Grieving after the death of a child?

After the death of a spouse we become a widow or widower. After the death of our parents we become an orphan. There are no words in the English language to describe what someone becomes after the death of a child. Words cannot describe what that’s like. 

The parents I meet with often question if their grief is normal and if there are other things they could or should be doing to help them to cope with their loss.

Some of the common challenges people speak to me about include…

Emotions

Often people talk about the idea that there are stages of grief people go through (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) and are concerned when this doesn’t fit for them. The idea that there are stages of grief hasn’t been supported by research - human beings are much more complex than this.

It’s normal to feel a whole range of emotions including:

• Numbness or feeling like none of this is real
• Sadness and longing for your child
• Anxiety about things that you used to cope with easily
• Guilt or regret about things that happened or you wish had been different
• Anger at the unfairness of your loss
• Fear or a sense of dread about the future
• Envy of other people that still have their children

You may not experience all of these emotions and they won’t come in any particular order.

I provide a place for you to check if what you’re feeling is normal and to find ways to manage or address your feelings if that’s what you need to do.

Meaning, Purpose and Beliefs

Many people say that they feel a lack of meaning and purpose after the death of a child. They are left asking questions about why this could happen. The world no longer feels like a fair or safe place.

People also have questions about what happens after we die. When you’re missing someone you care about you may want to know that they are somewhere safe. But, often we can be uncertain about what we believe.

I offer a place for people to talk about these ‘bigger’ questions, to discuss their fears and hopes, and to try to figure out a way to go on living in ways that feel meaningful.

Relationships

Have you had someone say something hurtful or unhelpful? Have you felt let down by people you thought would be there for you? Everyone I meet with has examples of ‘dumb’ things people have said or friends who have disappeared or just don’t ‘get it’.

Within families people often grieve differently. And, the absence of one family member changes the way everyone else communicates and relates to each other. You may have questions about how to best support your partner. Or you may have questions or concerns about how to help children who have lost a brother or sister.

I meet with individuals and families to support them to find ways to manage the changes in their relationships. And, to identify ways to communicate and support each other as they adjust to their new reality.

Physical and Mental Impacts of Grief

If you’re having difficulty sleeping, feel tired all the time, find it hard to focus on conversations and feel like your brain is in a fog then you are not alone. These are some of the most common physical and mental impacts of grief.

Most of the time these symptoms will improve by themselves. However, there are strategies that can help. For example, I teach people techniques to help them to get to sleep or stay asleep and work with them to improve their sleep hygiene.

Do you have questions or concerns about your grief?